As you’ve probably guessed, we at DTU are nothing if not open-minded. That’s why we like to offer several perspectives on the issues that concern our LG readers. Check out Angel’s answers to your thorny questions—then read what Demon has to say. We leave it to you to decide whose advice to follow, but we suggest considering both and finding your own happy medium. After all, with an Angel on one shoulder and a Devil on the other, you can’t go too far wrong, right? Each immortal has his gifts. (At the magazine, for example, we leave the travel arrangements to Angel, while Demon takes care of security. But that’s enough about us . . . this column is for you.)

My boyfriend is a Werewolf, and one of the things I love about him is that he adores eating as much as I do. (Okay, he’d just as soon hunt his food down and kill it first—but there’s still plenty of overlap in our tastes.) The problem is—his hours. As you can imagine, he’s a “night person.” By the time he comes home from a prowl and showers the leaves and twigs out of his fur, I’m gearing up to go to work. I’m thinking about scheduling a romantic sunrise hook-up at the gourmet donut shop near where we live. They make the sweet treats right in front of you. Even better, you get to eat them by candlelight. What do you think? Will this revive our passion for each other?

Signed,

Angel says . . . 

Heavenly thinking, my sweet! Instead of complaining about something you can’t change (his proclivity for night rambling), you are working around his natural drives to come up with a thoughtful, romantic compromise. I do have a suggestion, though. Why don’t you buy those donuts “to go,” and eat them outside, picnic-style. That way, you’ll be indulging his affinity for the outdoors while you both enjoy a beautiful sunrise. Just be sure to dispose of your trash in the proper receptacles (and recycle!) You wouldn’t want to rile up Mother Nature when she’s provided you with such a divine backdrop. And don’t lose track of time—you wouldn’t want to be late for work!

Demon says . . . 

You know that saying, “Man does not live by bread alone?” Well neither does woman. Or wolf. There’s more than one way to satisfy your appetites, and in my opinion, you are focusing on the wrong one. Instead of devising a breakfast rendezvous, how about taking a day off and clocking a few laps around the bedroom? You need to stay in shape if you want to keep up with your Were (and look tasty in those little track shorts he likes). Donuts won’t help you in that regard—but a vigorous afternoon game of Catch Me will. And if you are worried about missing a day at the office, remember that other saying: “All work and no play makes Sweet Tooth a very dull LG indeed.”

My Zombie and I have been talking about taking a vacation together. (Well, I’ve been talking about it. He usually just nods and goes back to watching baseball on the flat-screen.) The problem is . . . where to go? The beach is out since he burns so easily and hates the water, and he’s definitely not the hiking or skiing type. He’d be happy lying on a shady hammock in the country, but my allergies would turn me into a sniffly, sneezy mess. He once suggested we attend a comic book convention—spare me! There must be something we can enjoy together besides a Vince Vaughn movie and a large buttered popcorn.

Signed,

Angel says . . . 

First of all, bless you—I have a soft spot for LGs who love Zombies. It takes a special girl to appreciate the appeal of those easygoing (if not physically prepossessing) fellows. You will certainly be rewarded for your warm-heartedness in the afterlife. As for your vacation dilemma, here’s an idea: How about surprising him with a trip to his favorite baseball team’s spring training camp? Pack sunscreen and his official team cap and jersey so he won’t burn, and see how his eyes light up as he watches his heroes round the bases and swat at fastballs. If you get a little bored, you can always slip away for an hour or two and shop the local outlet malls for a divine little number to wear to dinner. Before he realizes you’re gone, you’ll be back with hotdogs and beer for two! (May I add that you cannot go wrong if the team you visit happens to come from Los Angeles?)

Demon says . . . 

Did you hear the joke about the Zombie hockey game? There was a face off in the corner! Hahahahaha. . . that one never gets old. But I kid. I think it’s sweet that you and the Big Z want to share some leisure time together. If you were my LG, we’d be jetting off to Amsterdam, where anything goes, everything is legal, and girlfriends come in two-packs—but my pick for the two of you would be a nice booze cruise around the Caribbean. Nothing to do all day but hang out at the all-you-can-eat buffet and all-you-can-drink pool bar, visit the gaming tables or video arcade, catch a lounge act—and if you’re really feeling energetic, play a game of shuffleboard or bingo. And he never has to get in the water! The evening is sure to bring more indulgences (did I mention all-you-can-drink?) followed by a return to your stateroom for some sexy fun before you pass out. Sounds like Zombie heaven to me.

I really owe my Vampire boyfriend—he has been taking such good care of me since we met, always bringing me flowers and other romantic gifts and flying me to exotic surprise destinations. Of course it is hard to know what to get the eternal man who has everything (in spite of DTU’s helpful gift guides). What do you think of this idea? I take him to a planetarium show featuring the sun, solar eclipses, sunspots, etc. He hasn’t seen genuine sunlight since he made the change and I figure he might be missing it. Will this cheer him up—or am I just rubbing salt in the puncture wounds?

Signed,

Angel says . . . 

I literally have tears in my eyes at your thoughtfulness. That Vamp is a lucky guy to have such a creative and caring LGfriend! I am sure he will delight in the experience and feel just that much closer to heaven (and you) because of it. If you want to take your idea one step further, and your Vamp is on the pale end of the spectrum, why don’t you follow up your planetarium visit with a session of indoor tanning for two at a local salon catering to mixed couples? The new technology designed to turn undead skin to his once-live hue without burning is spectacular—I’ve tried it myself and am the envy of my fellow wingers. Enjoy!

Demon says . . . 

Oh, please. I like everything about the above except the planetarium and Angel’s tanning idea. Which means—change everything! Look, your guy knew what he was signing up for when he became a Vamp, so 86 the sun and help him revel in his dark side. The only ball of fire that matters is the one that ignites when you touch him. If you really think he is missing the light, stay home, slip into something super-sexy, and start some fireworks of your own. That is the only gift your guy (or any guy) really wants. Well . . . that and a cold Bludweiser afterwards. And maybe a couple of great seats to a Kiss concert. Trust me.

I’ve been seeing a Dragon-Shifter for several months. Everything’s been wonderful but I’ve been hiding a little secret. I am terribly afraid of heights! Lately, he’s started asking me when I will visit his mountain lair, instead of always insisting we stay at my place. The only way to get there is on his back—and it is on a mountaintop overlooking an abyss! The thought of the flight puts me in a tailspin, and once we get there, I’ll be clinging to the walls in terror. I’m afraid he’ll leave me if he finds out about my phobia. Are we incompatible, or is it worth trying to ground him? We get along so well in other ways.

Signed,

Angel says . . . 

Fear of flying . . . that has never crossed my mind! Of course, we Angels tend to glide gracefully through the upper atmosphere (on long trips, I like to listen to Sarah McLachlan or Enya on my aPod), while my Dragon friends do a fair amount of diving, swooping, and screeching—so I can imagine it might be a little bit daunting. Here’s the thing, though. A good relationship can’t thrive without total honesty. You must sit down with him, look him straight in his fiery eyes, and tell him the truth. If he loves you, he will understand completely and agree to take things slowly. Maybe you’d be willing to start with a low pass around the neighborhood, then gradually increase the height and distance until you feel one hundred percent comfortable in the upper atmosphere. Before you take off, come up with a “safe word” that means “bring me back to earth immediately.” That way, you never have to worry about getting carried away—until you are completely ready, that is. Take it from a veteran wingman: you’ll be glad you faced your fears and soared.

Demon says . . . 

Big surprise—I disagree with Angel again. All of this talk about flying makes me a little queasy myself. We Demons like our hooves on the ground whenever possible—under the ground, even—so I’m sympathetic to your need for an airsickness bag. Why not just bag the Dragon? They aren’t the only creatures on the farm, you know. We Demons know how to throw a party for two—and it doesn’t involve clinging to the side of a mountain. If it’s his fire you are addicted to, no problem. I can show you a place where there are plenty of flames to go around, and you won’t have to go airborne to get there. My advice? If you have to change in order to be with someone, walk away instead and stay your own sweet, sexy self. Relationships are about fun with a healthy dose of lust, and shouldn’t involve all this work, sacrifice, and commitment. Why don’t you people see that?

 

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